“It is, quite simply, our nearly obsessive desire to be (and to appear) consistent with what we have already done.” Robert Cialdini
Here’s why it’s so important to leverage as much of your client’s expertise as possible in identifying the referral, warming up the referral and advising you on how to follow up.
The more I study Robert Cialdini’s research on social influence, the more I learn about what’s effective in getting referrals (both the right and the wrong way). The importance of asking your client for advice on the best way to be referred (Steps 3, 5 and 6 of my 6 Steps to a Fearless Referral Conversation system) is underlined by his research and by one of his six universal principles of social influence: the Rule of Commitment and Consistency.
The Power of Your Clients Making a Commitment to Refer You
In a referral conversation, you want your client to COMMIT TO THEIR IDEA (ex. how they think you should contact someone) RATHER THAN SUBMIT TO YOURS (‘can you give me their information and tell them I’ll be calling?’).
Fully understanding the principle that how committed your clients are to THEIR IDEAS and to keeping their word can go a long way to helping you get higher quality and more warmed-up referrals. It’s remarkable!
The more your clients believe that the referral was their idea rather than yours, the more committed they will be in following up on it. This is why my Ask the Expert approach to getting referrals is so effective (“what would be the best way to find out if Sarah might be interested?” or “how would you recommend I find out if other partners at your firm might get similar value?”).
Cialdini has found that we are most committed to something that we believe was our decision, and that we took responsibility for it and did so with no outside pressure (by pressure he means being offered a reward or gift – or with your kids it might be a bribe or threat so that they comply to behave).
Other factors that increase your commitment and your client’s commitment to following through include:
a) Declaring it in public: having your client say out loud what she intends to do to contact a referral can go a long way to making sure you get an opportunity to help that person or that group.
b) Writing it down: perhaps reminding a client about information he gave you in writing or put in an email will help nudge him along to follow through. You might bring up THEIR idea by saying: “I’m just following up on something you mentioned in an email you sent to me on the 16th. You put something about how I might want to contact your friend Pauline Jefferson. What would you recommend I do there?”
This is why you’ve heard so many people endorse writing down your goals. It has been proven to help you achieve them because your commitment increases!
c) The harder it is to attain something, the more committed you are to it and the more you value it. This can be anything in life from pursuing your dream partner and then finding the commitment a no-brainer to training for a marathon and then staying in excellent health. Boot camp in the Marines is so brutal that people emerge “more resilient, simply braver and better for the wear.” Why do you think you see so many Marines bumper stickers on cars? A tough life experience can make people more loyal and persistent.
This is likely another reason why persistence with a prospect pays and why so much business is done because we persist. It was hard to attain and the bond is therefore stronger.
Lastly, this is why some companies and industries find it is worthwhile to bring on new clients by having them make a small purchase. This foot-in-the-door technique works because it leverages the commitment now made. It’s why many insurance companies are happy to have you start out buying just car insurance. Once you’re a customer, it is easier then to discuss other products and services. It’s similar with banks starting you out with checking accounts.
Inconsistency is an undesirable personality trait.
One of the key motivators behind our behavior is the need and pressure we feel to be seen as consistent. So if your client tells you that she will follow up with a referral and she said it sincerely, she will feel awkward about not keeping her word – about looking inconsistent. Knowing this can help you persist in following up.
She gave you her word!
The power of us wanting to be seen as consistent with our word was tested by psychologist Thomas Moriarty on New York City beaches. His task was to find out to what extent people would take their verbal commitment - even if it meant stopping a crime. Here’s how his experiment went:
The first time, Person A would find a spot on the beach, lay out a towel and lounge there for a while listening to his radio. Then he would leave those things behind and shortly after Person B would grab the radio and hurry off. Only 4 people in twenty challenged the thief.
The second time a slight twist was added. Person A did the same things but before leaving would ask someone nearby to ‘watch his things’. Person B came along and stole the radio but that was when the unsuspecting watcher turned into a virtual vigilante. 19 of the 20 chased the thief and some even physically restrained the person or snatched the radio away!
In that instance, there was some danger that people were prepared to face in order to look consistent. Have you ever been asked to watch someone’s stuff? I remember feeling that level of responsibility at a large book shop once when asked to keep an eye on a mother’s possessions because she needed to take her young daughter to a different floor to use the restroom.
The scary part is we will also act against our own best interests to maintain being seen as consistent.
I used to take these step aerobic classes at my gym partly in the hopes of meeting eligible women there. Many people who went had their favorite spot to set up their steps and mine was always in the front row on the right. After some time I started noticing an attractive dark-haired woman who always would set up in the back row on the left of the gym – a distance I would have no logical reason to stray during pauses in the workout if I wanted to get to know her a little (I later found out she was engaged).
So the next time I went, I set up my steps on the back left row trying to convince myself ‘it’s good not to always do the same thing.’ But immediately other people noticed and said to me: “Matt! What are doing back there? Why aren’t you up front like you usually are?” I actually blushed out of embarrassment because I was being seen as inconsistent. I mumbled something feeble like ‘Oh, I just felt like a change.’ I felt like I might as well have put up a big sign saying: “Hey Everyone! I’m only back here to hit on this dark-haired woman!” It was almost ridiculous how much it rocked the status quo. So the next time I took the class I returned to the front right row. Being seen as flighty was too painful!
So remember, in a referral conversation, ask your client in such a way that he COMMITSTO HIS IDEA RATHER THAN SUBMITS TO YOURS.
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