10 ways to slay your fears of coming across as pushy

Rarely a day goes by in my life as a referral coach when someone doesn’t express their fears of coming across as pushy. Ever have this concern? It’s time to knock this on the head. Ready?

1. Get real. Slay the mythical beast.

a) Walk through your last week and think of all the businesses you went into and people who called you: the bank, the dry cleaners, the coffee shop, the clothing store, the vets, and the bookstore. What percentage of all the retail and sales people you encountered were aggressive? Pause for a moment and really think hard.

How many tried to ram a product or service down your throat or up-sell you to death? You know, they were PUSHY.

Any? I can’t remember the last time I had this experience – it’s been quite some time. Sure, I get sales people calling on me, but nobody bugging me if I’ve told them no or not now. Most give up after leaving ONE message!

b) I have never met anyone who told me they were afraid of being pushy who actually was! How about you?

c) Think about someone you know who you consider pushy.

Is that how you run your business? Do you get feedback from people telling you that you’re being pushy on a regular basis?

d) Ask yourself: what’s the worst that can happen if I ask for referrals? Is that outcome really so bad? Mark Victor Hanson argues that if you didn’t have the business/date/job before you asked and you don’t have it after, you’ve not lost anything.

As ice hockey great Wayne Gretzky said: “You miss 100% of the shots you never take.”

So please, take a reality check. Like most of our fears, this one is almost always imagined.

e) Lastly, people are not spending their day thinking about you, your call or your referral request. People think about themselves 95% of the time. Not you. Brian Tracy notes:

“Never do or refrain from doing something because you are concerned about what people might think about you. The fact is that nobody is even thinking about you at all.”

2. Understand why you don’t always ask for what you want, so you realize it’s nothing to do with a fear of being ‘pushy’.

In the best audio program I know on asking for what you want, The Aladdin Factor, Jack Canfield and Mark Victor Hansen identify five possible reasons:

a) Ignorance: you don’t know one or more of the following: what to ask for, who to ask, when to ask or how to ask.

b) Mistaken beliefs: ex. I don’t want to be seen as pushy or needy

c) Fear is in control, especially fear of rejection and looking foolish. Instead of taking action, “we sit in judgment of others who are getting what they want.” Also, asking can make us feel vulnerable and that’s not comfortable!

d) Pride: we think we should be able to figure it out for ourselves. “We are a nation of loners and self-sufficient do-it-yourselfers who will stoically suffer in silence to the end.”

e) Low self-esteem: according to Canfield, 2 in 3 adults suffer from low self-esteem. For great content on resolving this, both he and Nathaniel Brandon have top notch books and audio on this. Both helped me get into the other third.

3. Know the difference between passive, assertive and aggressive.

Being passive and /or aggressive towards others is rooted in low self-esteem. You can’t grow a business based on relationships by acting this way.

However, being assertive is healthy. It’s asking for what you want because you believe someone else will truly be better off because of your product or service.

It’s asking for a free glass of water when you’re thirsty. It’s interrupting a conversation between two people in a coffee shop to ask if you can plug in your computer by their table. That is not pushy. Avoid confusing the two.

4. Believe in yourself, your company and your product/service.

When you believe a) you are one of the best people to b) offer a great product or service representing c) a company you have faith in, there is no reason to feel pushy! This instills confidence. YOU ARE WORTHY! Part of people feeling awkward is when they don’t believe in or use the product they’re selling. The more enthusiastic you are about what you do, the more success you will have.

Learn from a 19 year-old. In Cameron Johnson’s autobiography, You Call the Shots, he explains his philosophy that made him a multi-millionaire before he hit 20:

“My feeling is, I’d be doing my customers a disservice if I let them NOT buy my product. I’m always genuinely fascinated to know why people WOULDN’T want what I’m selling.”

Many people will still not be interested, but that does not make you pushy. That’s just the real world. To help with this reality:

5. Like yourself more and more 

This is another huge factor that makes the feeling of being pushy much less of a concern. Obviously this is a process for anyone. How important is it? Brian Tracy believes:

“The key determinant to success in sales and in life is how much you like yourself. The more you like yourself, the less you fear rejection.”

6. Be willing to fail

The road to fulfilling your potential includes asking others for what you want. This means it also includes hearing people say no to you. Simon Woodroffe, founder of YO! Sushi and the UK’s 3rd best-known brand, counsels:

“It’s not really until you’re actually willing to walk into an office or pick up the phone and make the call where you might get rejected that you actually start to expand your business. The only thing successful entrepreneurs have in common is they are willing to fail.”

This may be the most important point in this whole article. There is no short cut. Whatever you need to do to truly engrain this fact, do it!!

7. Develop a mindset that helps you bounce back from inevitable rejection and unreturned phone calls.

Have a snap response to put your mind back into the positive (or at least neutral).When it happens to me, I just hang up and say: “S/he doesn’t get it!” Last week I asked Nate, a new sales manager, what he had done as a successful producer. But I can’t print what he said!

I also like the expression SWSWSWSW: some will, some won’t, so what, someone’s waiting.

80% of the people you interact with won’t do business with you for one reason or another and if you can’t handle that, you’ve picked an interesting career choice! I believe that most people avoid that 80% like the plague and so are not asking much for business or referrals and blame it on not wanting to come across as the ‘typical pushy salesperson’ that is mostly a figment of their imagination.

It doesn’t really matter what you say to yourself so long as it helps you persist and deal with the challenging reality!

8. Know what you want and be specific when you ask!

This needs a whole article on its own. It is Step 3 in the referral conversation. You can do everything right, but if you then say; “Well if you can think of someone else I should talk to, please have them give me a call!” you’ll get few referrals.  Your responsibility is to help the other person identify 1-3 specific people/recommendations. It is NOT their job.

Also, ask as if you expect to get what you want. Easier said than done but keep practicing!

9. Take action in spite of your fears. Practice finding a way to ask that gets more comfortable with time – small steps outside your comfort zone.

Also ask yourself: what is the BEST that could happen?

Focus your mind on what the BENEFITS are to the person asking. How does it benefit them? A 2005 Horsesmouth.com study found that 85% of relationships were IMPROVED by making a referral.

Maintain eye contact when you ask. Smile. Be respectful.

10. Try humor. It can be VERY effective when it’s authentic.

a) One client of mine, who had not been given a choice about attending my seminar, told me this week that he’d told a trusted client very sincerely: “Yeah my boss made me take this referral class and now we’re supposed to be asking everyone for referrals.” After they’d had a good laugh at my expense, he got a great referral – an invitation to attend the annual convention of this person’s trade association in October and get numerous personal introductions to prospects. Why was this person willing to do it? “Because I know you’re not going to give anyone the hard sell.”

b) Another client of mine told one of her clients:
“I know you’ve mentioned your two brothers before. I expect when you get together for the Packer games you spend most of the time talking about your insurance coverage's (they laugh). Do you think they might be open to a quick conversation with me some time?”

c) A successful UK film maker I interviewed in May shared that he transitioned to asking by saying:

“In my shameless business development mode: how about this idea and that idea?”

Who in your office or as a center of influence would appreciate some of these tips? Please forward it on and share the wealth.