A key rule to get more referrals

If you don’t want to just hope referrals will fall on your lap, you have to be proactive. Generally, this means you need to ask for what you want.

A very important rule to understand and maximize is the rule for reciprocation. What is it, why does it work, and how can you benefit from this to get more referrals?

What is it?

Arizona State professor, Robert Cialdini, describes it in his book Influence, the Psychology of Persuasion: “The rule says that we should try to repay, in kind, what another person has provided for us.”

Basically, if you do a favor for someone else, or buy them a birthday gift or invite them to an event, that other person will feel an obligation to return your favor.

Here are some examples:

a)    Despite experiencing appalling drought and civil war in 1985, Ethiopia sent $5000 in relief money to Mexico to help its earthquake victims. Why? Because fifty years earlier Mexico had sent aid to Ethiopia when it had been invaded by Italy!

b)    A study at Cornell University had students rate some art work in pairs. One of the two students was there the whole time. He only did one thing differently with half of the students. During a break period, he returned empty handed 50% of the time and the other 50% of the time he did a small unsolicited favor. He would bring the other person a bottle of Coke.

At the end of the time together he mentioned to this other person that he was selling raffle tickets for a new car. He sold twice as many tickets to the group that had received the free drink. It was later found that it made NO difference whether they liked him or not. “They felt a sense of obligation to repay him.”

c)    In the 1970s and 1980s, the Hare Krishnas had tremendous success fundraising. They would give out ‘gifts’ to the public and then request a contribution thus forcing the rule of reciprocation on people.  See the note below for why that only worked so long.

d)    During his early years as president, Lyndon Johnson amazed political analysts by getting many of his programs approved by Congress. It turned out that this was “not so much Johnson’s political savvy as the large score of favors he had been able to provide to other legislators during his many years in the House and Senate.”

e)    The ‘free sample”. How many times have you tried something for ‘free’ and felt an obligation to buy it or do some business with that person or company? Maybe this doesn’t quite work as well as it used to because often we smell a rat.

f)    When you meet someone for coffee, lunch or beer and they pay; don’t you remember and feel like you need to reciprocate next time?

g)    Think about some occasions when someone referred you business. How did you feel about doing something for them in return? Usually you don’t forget any feeling of obligation and usually it doesn’t feel good to live with not reciprocating in some way.

NOTE! If your ‘favor’ is really a trick designed to stimulate a larger return favor, the reciprocation rule does not work. That’s when the Krishnas started to fail – people stopped falling for their ruse of being given a ‘gift’.

Why does it work?

Sociologists and cultural anthropologists have found that it exists in every human culture. Sharing food and skills has helped societies evolve, trade goods and services, and become interdependent in mutually beneficial ways. Its future orientation has allowed social advances since giving to others builds trust and confidence especially when you live to expect the good things to come back to you.

There are also two negative reasons it works:

a)    Feeling like you owe somebody something does not feel good: “It weighs heavily on us and demands to be removed.”

b)    Nobody likes to be seen as a free-loader, moocher, sponger or parasite. Often we will give back more than we received to avoid being labeled this way.

How can you benefit from this to get more referrals?

a)    Understand the power of the rule for reciprocation

Re-read the examples and think about times it’s happened to you:  a recent coffee where the other person paid for your drink; a referral you got that worked out well; a friend who took care of your pets while you went away. How did you feel about that other person and what sense did you have about needing to repay them because you felt indebted to them?

b)    Apply its power: Leverage more  key relationships

If you want to create wealth, you have to know that wealth is created in two words: ADD VALUE.

If you want more referrals from someone, the only way you can leverage the relationship more is to add more value! By helping someone more – by helping someone get better results, by going the extra mile, by finding ways to be more liked by that person, these actions will help ‘tip’ that person to feel a greater need to reciprocate.

You may still need to ask that person specifically for what you want, but they will be primed to help you.

That’s why people do not refer to ‘business as usual’ – the reciprocation there is you get a pay check! If you want more, you need to give more: add more value!

How do you do this? Ask yourself: how can I add more value to this person? Give your brain a chance to come up with some answers. If you give it long enough, it will!

You’ve heard this one before: the more you give, the more you get!

c)    Unexpected gifts

Both Gallup and the Harvard psychology department have found that people love unexpected gifts. Cialdini has found the same thing: “There is a strong cultural pressure to reciprocate a gift, even an unwanted one.”

I remember a couple of years ago being sent a useful book on leadership. I felt I needed to return the favor to this person and until I did think of something, I felt a sense of imbalance and awkwardness. I ended up buying her a subscription to an online journal.

The unexpected gift is a greatly underutilized tool that can have powerful results. I know it has helped me build relationships faster. Again, it just cannot be used as a ruse to get business.

Who else might enjoy reading this? Please share the wealth. Umm: add value!