How to Make More Money in 2010: How to Get Comfortable Asking for Referrals

There is a foundation layer of confidence that needs to be established if you are going to ask effectively for referrals.

Firstly, you only ask for referrals if you’ve earned them!

Too much of what we hear about referrals is based around techniques: how to ask, when to ask, what to say, and who to get them from. We don’t spend enough time focusing on WHAT we are actually doing to earn the word-of-mouth recommendation.

Neither you nor your clients recommend someone unless they deserve it, unless something truly valuable in the other person’s eyes has been delivered. Expectations must be exceeded. If you have only done your job, you cannot expect someone to tell others. Think about it: you don’t tell others about something that is ‘business as usual’.

Part of your referral conversation should include a discussion about what your client has gotten out of working with you. This will tell you whether you should be asking. This is the first layer.

If you have brought value, you have put some water in the well of the relationship. This makes asking much easier.

Secondly, understand why people refer you.

Andy Sernovitz’ research done at Northwestern University has found that that there are two main reasons why people refer others. First, referring you to other people in their life makes them feel good. Second, they like to help people they care about. Notice neither of these reasons has anything to do with YOU. It’s not about you; it’s about them.

They are not recommending you because they want to see you drive a more expensive car, take more time off or have plastic surgery! They are motivated about what’s important to them. Knowing this can build your confidence because now you don’t have to fear looking needy – their world does not revolve around you! It revolves around people who they would like to help – who are also hopefully good prospects for you.

The second layer then in building your confidence is making sure your referral request focuses on how your happy client might be able to help others. It is not a conversation about how you grow your business because most of the time other people do not care about this. Since when did you lie awake at night worrying about whether your dentist would be in business when you go back for your next teeth cleaning?! The idea is almost laughable (unless you’re a dentist!).

Thirdly, have empowering beliefs about asking for referrals.

When it comes to asking for referrals, most people ‘believe’ that they are being pushy by asking or that it makes them look needy if they are asking. You must ask yourself what concerns you have about asking. Take a few minutes to do it right now!

Unless you need to bring more value to the work you do to earn referrals, whatever concern you came up with is an unhelpful belief. If you think it is true, then you will never get many referrals (except unsolicited ones you get from those happy with your firm’s great service). This is how our brains work. They deliver on whatever we think. The solution is to change your beliefs by coming up with one that empowers you to ask.

Provided your client recognizes that you have brought value (see above: mentioned first) and you ask in way that is about your client helping others (see above: mentioned second), fears you have about looking pushy or cheesy are completely unfounded. Have you ever met anyone who feared coming across as pushy who really was? No, aggressive people have no idea what they are doing. If you bring value, why would you starve the world of your contribution? That’s your brain being unhelpful; it’s an old, useless ‘belief’ getting in your way.

Your beliefs create your reality – that’s great if you have what you want, but it is rotten if your beliefs are not doing that for you. And, unfortunately, 87% of the thoughts we have are unconscious ones – habitual thoughts that are mostly negative and unhelpful.

The biggest difference between people who get many referrals and those who don’t is that the successful ones think differently. They have mostly empowering beliefs about asking for referrals that encourage them towards what they want.

The most empowering belief you can have about getting referrals is this:

I am good at what I do. I can help people you care about and I know I need to ask you!

One exercise I recommend to everyone is to list out 20 reasons why someone should do business with you. You have to become your number one fan. Confidence is an inside job. It’s nice to hear that your client is happy but you have to believe it first.

For some people this is where the light bulb goes on and a third layer of confidence is built. Simply putting in some time thinking hard about the value that you bring to the table can make a significant difference. It compares to when you first started in your business and were unsure at times about what you saying, hoping nobody would ask you a question you didn’t know the answer to.

Think back to that time and remember also that at some later date you were in a meeting and consciously realized that all those doubts had gone because you did know your stuff! You were making eye contact with assurance. That’s the kind of transition you can experience with asking for referrals as well.

Warning: Be ready for your brain to resist change. Your unhelpful beliefs are not going to be substituted without a fight. Amazingly, our habitual thoughts are 1,000 times stronger than a new one. Even when your status quo is unhelpful, your brain will still fight to keep you in this so-called comfort zone.

Fourth, pre-plan your asks.

A fourth layer of confidence will be there if you go into a meeting knowing what your referral request is. What door would you like opened by your happy client? This is an incredibly important habit to develop. Then you don’t spend time distracted during the meeting wondering who to ask for.

If your initial response to this idea is “I often don’t know who they know,” then you first need to develop the habit of what I call ‘fishing’. Fish during your time with that client for important people in their life that they like. Who do they know that might make a good prospect for you? You can’t expect them to figure this out on the spot, so your conversation should include this activity.

One helpful question to bring up during a meeting where you are explaining something they do not understand is this:

“I’m often surprised how rarely other clients of mine talk about this kind of thing with their friends/colleagues/co-workers. What’s it like in your family/with other business owners you know/where you work?” Then pause and let them tell you.

This can be a great source of information about who your client already talks to or how you will need to get a referral opportunity warmed up.

Fifth, know when the best time is to ask for referrals.

The best time to ask is when your client is most happy with your work. Clearly that is when he or she will go out to bat for you most enthusiastically. The only thing that complicates this topic is your self-doubt. Again, if your client recognizes that you have brought value, it is okay to ask.

An even better time is AFTER such a meeting when you have stopped talking business and are just chatting about something light, pleasant and more personal. People relax at this time and it feels more natural and less formal to bring up a referral request as an ‘after-thought’. I admit this sounds like a technique, but it works well and psychologically feels right too.

Who else in your business sphere would appreciate this? Share the wealth and forward it on.