Why People Refer You

I was talking to a new client this week and it got me to asking myself why he had not received many referrals in the past. And why others might have the same challenge. In his instance I concluded that it was the wording he was using. Every time he brought up referrals the language was all about him and growing his business. What I call the ‘me me me’ approach. And this turns people off.

Why do people refer you?

1. They trust you.
By trust, I mean that you are seen as competent in your field. If you are brand new to your industry, the trust is enough provided your referral source knows you work with someone experienced.

Trust is questioned for more specialized work when you are known as a generalist or jack of all trades. Expertise can be questioned when everyone knows you have multiple business ventures. Mediocre people skills can also impede your chances of being seen as the one to trust and the one to refer.

2. Usually, they like you.
As in Cialdini’s The Rule of Liking, when people like you, they want to say yes to you. I am constantly surprised how few people act on this. There’s nothing superficial unless the relationship is shallow. If you can make a positive difference, ask!

3. You do not make them uncomfortable when you ask for referrals
Since getting good at referral asking is a skill to be developed, cut yourself some slack here. You don’t need to be politician-smooth to get results. That’s not why people work with you. Just keep getting better because you will feel more comfortable and confident – and so, consequently, will your client.
And what makes people uncomfortable? How you act and what you say. What do I mean?

4. They want to help others
Andy Sernovitz’ research at Northwestern University has found that the main reason people refer us is not because they want to help us but because they want to help people they care about!

If your world view is that most people are generally pretty nice and they care about their friends and family, you will benefit from this knowledge because that is what motivates most people to recommend you. YOUR REFERRAL CONVERSATION NEEDS TO REFLECT THAT!

The reason why many people ‘trained’ on how to get referrals fail is that the wording they are told to use doesn’t work anymore.  Language that turns people off includes statements such as:

“I grow my business by referrals”
The problem: your client doesn’t care! It’s about as relevant to their life as you announcing at the end of a meeting:
“I had Cheerios for breakfast.”
If your dentist told you that, would you care? Would you spend the rest of your day wracking your brains about who you could refer to him/her?! No! You might even start saying to yourself: “Why does s/he need more business? Maybe s/he’s not doing very well. Oh no, I hope I don’t have to find a new dentist.”

Are there exceptions to this? Yes, if you have a relationship in your life where the other person loves to help you because they think you’re terrific and they really want to see you succeed, that’s great! In fact, it is FANTASTIC! I know those people are out there and accept their help gratefully. Some may be your centers of influence. But it is not enough to run a business on.

Most people are not motivated to see you earn more money and drive a nicer car or hear about your extra vacation to somewhere tropical when they are crazy busy and working hard all day. It is counter intuitive but getting referrals is not all about you! You are nowhere without the help of others. And they are driven NOT by helping you but by helping others!

Solution: Your referral conversation needs to FOCUS not on your needs but on the fact that your client likes to help people s/he cares about.
It is the INTENT that is different: helps others versus help you. Yes, you position yourself as the solution and ask accordingly:
“While I’m guessing that you haven’t discussed the kind of work we’ve done with them, what would be the best way to find out if Tara/your other team members at work might be open to hearing more about the kind of things we’ve done/taking care of some of these things?”

5. It makes them feel good
The best goal you can have is that your new referral thanks your current referral source (this is also likely to encourage them to do it again). We all love to be acknowledged and be told ‘thanks’.
Your goal is to make your referral source feel really good about referring you and be told by the person s/he referred to you:
“Thanks for referring me to Nicole. She’s so much nicer than the last person I saw. And she did a really good job.”

 You want more referrals. Yes, everyone does. But please remember that, most of the time, what motivates others is a desire to help NOT you anything like as much as to help those they care about. What you say must reflect that intent and deflect your personal goals because that will turn people off.

Please show your abundant mindset by forwarding this onto people who are important to you: let’s share the wealth!