The 3 People You Must Find to Get You to the Top

“The overwhelming majority of the most successful people on earth rely on advice, support, encouragement, and forceful nudging from a few trusted people who help them when they stumble, falter, or waver.”

In 2005 Keith Ferrazzi dazzled the business world with his networking masterpiece, Never Eat Alone, which emphasized connecting to a large quantity of people in an ever growing network. His latest book, Who’s Got Your Back, focuses on the quality – what he calls ‘lifeline relationships’ – which he defines as a small team of advisors who give you feedback, coaching, accountability and support to make certain that you flourish. What he has produced is a practical and effective system to support you reaching your goals that leverages the best of business coaching with the emotional leverage of personal relationships. You will not find it easy but nobody ever said it was!

Why would you want three ‘lifeline relationships?

1. Having them is why some people succeed far more than others.

The role that these people play is missing for most of us. For example, even though we connect with even more people online than ever before, “we’re still damn lonely” and not getting the direction unique to such relationships.

2. To help you create your own definition of success

3. To help you develop a plan to get there

4. To help you figure out what you need to STOP doing to get there

5. To provide ongoing support to sustain change (and keep you OUT of your comfort zone)

Daniel Gilbert’s research at Harvard is just one recent example of social science finding that we do a TERRIBLE job of evaluating ourselves: we typically overrate our abilities and underestimate our knowledge. We tend to seek out information that already supports what we believe AND we tend to discount information that contradicts it!

Your team can highlight strengths and weaknesses with direct, objective insights.

How do you make these relationships work for you? He identifies four mindsets:

1. LET people help you!

You don’t always have to walk up the stairs one step at a time: There are times when you can take the elevator. Ask for more help from others!

“The secret ingredient to establish genuine lifeline relationships is vulnerability.” By being vulnerable and talking about your challenges, people can relate to you better - they have likely been there too!

2. Be generous with others by sharing more.

Open up to others: the more you disclose (and, yes, you do this gradually), the more psychological space/permission you give for others to reciprocate. It’s hard to admit you have chinks in your armor. The buzz word is ‘authenticity.’

Take this time in the right environment to develop a relationship of trust and openness.

3. Candor

You may need to model this before others will do the same. Start by sharing your passions, dreams and goals. Then talk about your greatest struggles because they shape who you have become. Ferrazzi recommends that you request feedback on how you hold yourself back. Fortunately, accepting such potential criticism gets easier over time.

Discuss your fears. “Experience tells me that what underlies these fears is our basic belief that we’re just not good enough to reach the goals or goals we’ve set for ourselves. That we don’t deserve whatever our dream is.”

Why talk about them? For your goals, it will reinforce your commitment to improvement. It’s hard to turn back on a public declaration; it also builds intimacy with others. For your fears, it will help to break your old ways of thinking and being (behaviors) – not least because you become more aware of them and start to see them as irrational!

Jugular dialogue: it’s a time to talk about what matters most. Here’s what one of Ferrazzi’s advisors told him: “What do you really want, Keith? DEFINE YOUR GREATNESS. And as soon as you do, be convinced of it and start acting like it. Like, really acting like it. Someone will notice and really buy into you and your vision, I promise.”

Jugular questions: What steps do you need to take to make sure you have no regrets at the end of your life and career?

4. Accountability

This helps you set higher goals and stretch your ideas of what’s achievable. Is your partner tough enough to follow through consistently with this? Many people are not. Often peers get too close and no longer challenge each other. Ferrazzi advises to make it clear at EVERY meeting that you expect candid feedback.

There are advantages to hiring a coach: “They’ve seen so many similar situations.”

There are advantages to having a peer-to-peer advisor: powerful emotional encouragement.

Your team can help you put leverage on yourself to behave your way to what you want. Ferrazzi calls this creating “positive self-fulfilling prophecies.”

First: Your behavior and actions change

Second: Over time, your beliefs change (since this part is more challenging)

Lastly, expect your team to change as your life changes.

Who makes a good lifeline relationship advisor? Both of you:

a) Want to achieve more and are open to change
b) Have an interest in working together to reach your mutual goals
c) Are willing to express your needs openly
d) See the benefits
e) Are committed to honesty, self-reflection and the discipline to follow through
f) Are not willing to let the other person fail

The benefits can be enormous. One New York attorney found that personal issues in his life affected his business life more than business affected personal: “I’m running my business all alone; I have no one at the top of the pyramid to help me out. But now I have a network of peers to share ideas and help me avoid making mistakes. It’s filled a huge vacuum for me.”

Warning! Living these four mindsets and finding the right people for lifeline relationships is not easy! But, as you already know, neither is reaching your dreams. Pretty much everyone can be bigger in life by finding the courage, guidance, support and accountability that’s often missing. Seek these people out and reap the rewards.

Who else would enjoy this? Please forward it on and share the wealth. Maybe that person is your next lifeline relationship.